Houses

There is a house "in town" that I drive by to get to a friends house or to the bank. It is near the college campus (well the one in town, obviously not the one I went to). There are actually a lot of homes on this street, go figure. But... only two of them are for sell, and only one of them was actually listed. Its been listed for a while. Maybe a month or two? Or longer? I mean... I wasn't really looking so I wasn't paying attention. Until a few days ago. Christmas Eve Eve if you will, or the 23. I called up the agent. I just HAD to see this house. I had husband talked into seeing it right then and there. But the agent was gone so they put me in contact with another. Well short story shorter... the house is under contract and I can't see it. Well this gets me on a kick to see other houses. So there are other houses in the area, not really on the street, that are for sell. Maybe just maybe they are as good as 417 (the original house). Then I find "Morgan" or 18 Morgan to be specific. I call the next day get a different person and find out that  it is under contract also. Two houses, two appointments, and two contracts.

This got me mini obsessed for about 2 days. All I could think to do was find an amazing Victorian to move into. Why move  you ask? No idea. Dislike the house? Dislike all the major work we have to do to make it amazing. Completely redoing the walls in 417 didn't sound so bad neither did ripping out the pink carpet in Morgan... but adding a deck, updating the siding, redoing both bathrooms and a kitchen, and deciding on flooring seems horrible here. Maybe because we talked about how "easy" it would be two years ago, yet now we are still living in what looks like the same house except missing blue wall paper  and some ugly paneling.

This house is a reality. This house actually takes work and money. In this house I can see every day my laziness. This house could be amazing... if I worked on it. But I don't so it doesn't. Saying "417 only needs new walls, floors stripped, and everything painted" sounds so simple. But I can't hang dry wall, mud, or paint very well. Stripping original floors would be left up to a professional and the ONE room husband has left me to paint has about 3 different textures to it now because of my "painting skills". So why move and get more work?

Holding Pattern

Ever since I have been given the "go" I haven't been as eager as before. Which is probably good, because I knew being as hell bent as I was wasn't good for anyone! I'm now trying to process the me and us time that it leaves. I'm trying to get things together that would otherwise fall to the way side once there was a baby in the pictures. I'm focusing on hobbies and house decorating. There are rooms here that I would like to finish (or start) working on and I can't see my self doing that with a baby. I also don't feel ready to have a baby, so good thing I have decided to put it off... well back to its original spot is more like it. Ok... not original original. I don't think I can wait till 30. But 28 doesn't seem like a life time away!

Diggin a hole

Thursday night Hubs and I had a night out. Really he wanted to go to best buy and thought the best way to grease the wheels of the trip was to offer up Oliv.e Gar.den. They are right next to each other and made perfect since. I got a trip to the mall out of it too. Granted, the mall was not the greatest place to go! We did roam around a few major name brand stores. a couple of times we had to pass the children's clothes to get to the stairs or door out. At one point I passed by some of the cutest closes for a little girl. The big hanging with the outfits said "Daddies little girl" I held it up and said "Are you sure you don't want one?!?!" Hubs laughed. So of course this got me on the conversation of babies. You know... for the 100th billion time that second. Ok... that might be an exaggeration, but still, you know what I mean.

In the car I finally said "I think I'm up to waiting until 28 again" he just looked at me funny. I mean really... whats the rush? yes I want to buy all these cute those and make things fora baby, but I'll be able to do that in two, five or ten years. He responded with some number crunching (hes main hold up) and finally said "Well I'm guess I'm happy with the way the account looks, you let me know when your ready." I was a little more then shocked. I guaranteed him at least one more month since I just bought a new pack of birth control but now I need to seriously consider a time frame! After reading my books I know I want to be off of it for a few months before actively trying. I would also like to have the house close to decorated before we ditch it focus on baby buying. The car needs to be paid off and I WANT SIDING!!! So, a few months if not a year will still be in the works, but now I want to frantically read all the books I can get my hands on!

Shortly after he said what he did he started laughing... "Have you ever felt like you have dug your self into a deep hole?"  "oh? is that what you feel like you just did" a little worried he might be back tracking.... "No, pretty sure it just caved in on me..." HAHA he can't dig him self out of this now...

Hospitals

I have made it to part to of the "Guide to Childbirth". I am scared. Not scared of giving birth (still not pregnant by the way!) but scared of going to the hospital. After seeing stats from The Farm and reading the natural birth stories from part one I can not figure out why or how hospitals became the norm for births. I realize there are many women out there that do not want to deal with the feelings of labor, or that past complications makes it safer for them to birth in a hospital, but I am just shocked at the loving stories I have read. I am appalled at the statistics of hospitals. I am also shocked that the MD that are suppose to deliver the baby only come in during tough parts and decide a patient needs surgery or assistants. I will most certainly ask my doctor if he/she has ever seen a full birth. When they say "NO" I'll then have to ask about their stance on natural birth. When they probably give me a scary judgemental answer, I hope I can find a midwife practice!

Finally

4 or so months, multiple book stores, 4 plane rides, and a 5 hour trip up north I finally found a book store that was carrying a book I have been looking for! Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. She is also the author of Spiritual Midwifery and just came out with a breast feeding book also. By looking at my book marked spot, I am less then half way through the book.

So far it has just been amazing stores of home births. Now, I'm not leaning towards to home birth as much as the natural birth process. These women speak about having rushes (contractions) and then all of a sudden they are ready to push. They let the rushes sweep over them and leave. They don't fight the energy. Its amazing how positive thinking about labor makes it easier. They speak about the horror stories some mothers tell and how those only hurt the birthing process. If you aren't told that anything is going to hurt and you know natural ways and techniques to guide the process why would you do it any other way?

I have completely gotten on my high horse here and don't know why people go through the drug induced births that seem to be the norm now. The way these women labor at home and give birth with friends and family seems nice. Not that I want my whole family in the room with me, but I also dont' want nurses and doctors whom I've only met a handful of times telling me how to do this.

Just a few thoughts...

Nights like these

It is nights like these that I waver on the idea of a child. I am currently home alone. Husband is on a trip and is obviously gone for the night.  Now, Hubbs isn't gone much anymore. I can't actually remember the last time he was gone more then one night at a time, but when we first were married and he had only been at his job for a little bit, he was gone constantly for a week or so at a time. How does this relate to babies and family?

Well on nights like these I can't figure out if a baby would be a blessing or a burden. Would I be appreciative of the "company" or would I be resentful for the "extra work" since Hubbs is currently sitting at a friends house watch a football game and I would be taking care of the baby. I realize if a baby was in my life I would already be a stay at home mom. I wonder if during this time he has been away would I have even left the house since I had no work to go to? Would I just be taking care of the baby? I read about this on other stay at home mom's blogs. The boredom that eventually sets in after the newness of a baby wares off. Or maybe its when your schedule fall into place and settles that there just isn't excitement in the day anymore. Point is... am I ready to be mature and grown up enough to handle a few evenings buy my self with a baby? I feel that "capable" of watching the baby is not an issue, but just the idea of having to do it alone would get to me. I dont' think I would be mature enough to handle being "stuck at home while he has fun". I know this, because with out the baby (when I am free to go out) I still feel like I am stuck at home having no fun.

Hum, ok, so not really related to baby, more of frustration with family and lack of friends in the area!

That time

Its that time of month when I find out if life will change. Will this be the beginning of the next nine months? Will this just be another month?

Wednesday is always the worse day for me. In theory if everything is done on time Wednesday is the make or break day... but if I mess up my days or even my week... the the whole thing is thrown off. Then, Thursday could be the day, or Friday, or Tuesday. I just don't know. So I wait. I wait to see if anything happens.

Now, I have made it through Wednesday with nothing happening. But does this mean I can get my hopes up just a little bit more. Am I the infamous "Late" that always seems to happen on TV shows and in the movies? Or am I just behind, because I can't figure out what day it is. Does it even matter? I mean, we aren't planning on getting pregnant for a while....Summer you know. But, wouldn't it be nice at the same time for it to "Just happen". I would love to not have the pressure of a failed month that seems to come when you start trying.

Hum, just a thought. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I win!

My husband was visiting friends this past weekend. He brought up the topic of kids and "when you thinking of having some?" Now mind you this pair of friends got married a year before us, one went to pharmacy school, and has basically been on a better career path then me. I also didn't see them going the domestic route soon. Then again, monkey see, monkey do. Thanks to these friends we have a large and larger flat screen TV and they have a house and a new car. Not sure which set the Jones are... but we are keeping up. So... I was surprised to hear the husband say "I win" when he called home on Saturday.

"You win? You win what?" I vaguely remember a bet, but was unclear on the rules.

"I win the baby bet"

"Does that mean we are planning sooner or later?"

"Later. They caved first. I win!" This left me a little confused. I knew we had moved the start date up... but I was unaware that we had SET a date. I mean... two years from now kind of leaves it open.

"Um, so when is their start date?"

"Well they are saving up time off, so Spring. We are summer" Huh... we are summer? Well I know that I was thinking summer. I have to get my birth control refilled in January. I figured another 6 months or so of that, a few months off to figure out charting then giving it the O'll college try, but Summer. That's a season. That narrows it down to a few months. That means as early as June or maybe even May. That is only the 5 or 6 month of the year. That changed my plans a little. Yes, this all went through my head before...

"Spring? Wow... OK. Didn't figure they would start so early."

So I guess I have a "Start Season". I can't even begin to list all the things I want to get accomplished before then. I am a firm FIRM believer that the 9 months a women is pregnant is not enough time to prepare for a baby. I have loads of information I want to learn! UGH. Summer. Then again, might be my new favorite time of year!

Work in Progress

I started this because I am tired of ranting and raving to friends of family.

I started dating my husband in the fall of 2006. In the fall of 2008 we got married. Sometime in those two years we decided that the age of 30 would be a good time to have a family. We decided that three kids were the minimum and we would go from there. We celebrated our first anniversary in 2009. I imagine my baby fever started around that time. I remember sending an e-mail out about once a month telling friends about the cute baby I saw or how I was going to convince Hubbs that we needed to speed up the process. My friends were and still are very supportive of this idea, but I've gotten the hint, they are tired about hearing my woe-is-me stories. Can you blame them!? Also at this time, which really didn't help, I had two friends tell me about their difficulty in getting pregnant. Now this only struck a cord of fear in me. What if it never happens? What if adoption is my only way of having children? Shouldn't I start working on that? I was confused and saught out alot of internet help. The internet may not have been the best place to reach out. If you want to find depressing or scary stores they are all over. I know I found my fair share.

Some time this last spring I had to sit the husband down and have a serious discussion. There was NO way I would be able to wait till 30 to start having kids. I mean... we talked about having three.. two or four years apart if things go exactly as planned (and when does that happen?!). So that put me pushing 40 when the last one was born. I could not handle that. I explained this calmly to the husband and then begged and pleaded to move up the "start date" to 28 years old. OK... 28 didn't seem so bad. He agreed! This was great... then I read some more Internet stories.

By the end of summer friends suggested that I boot the net and anything else baby related. Kick it cold turkey. I agreed this would be best. So for a few weeks there was no talk of baby, no baby sites, and nothing concerning little tiny outfits. Then husband made a comment some time last week

 "We need to start soon to have a baby by 28 right?"

I didn't squeal or jump up and down. I didn't want to scare him. "Um.. have one? Or start to try for one?" Was what I could calmly get out.

 "Um, what did I say? Wait, have one, wasn't that the plan? Have one by 28?"

OK, so at this point I jumped a little. "Seriously!? You want to HAVE one by 28?" Never had I pronounced "have" so clearly or said the words twenty-eight so many times.

"Well that was the plan right?" I didn't correct him.

The next morning I saw my friend slash boss at work. We had talked the night before about having our one year anniversary at work and how we don't hope to have a second. We like our jobs, they just aren't "forever jobs" and not where we want to see our selves forever. Well, I blurted out "I might not have to be here next year!" the second I saw her. OK, so I jumped the gun and she said very little. She told me later that day she was mad and happy for me. Mad because it wasn't her getting to start trying yet and happy that I get to.

Well that's all I have told. Hubbs has told more people then me... well OK 2. His best friend and his wife. Maybe I have told two, I'm sure the boss shared with her husband. But other then that I haven't told anyone. My parents are not getting to know for a while unless they directly ask. I blurted out about two months ago to my mom "well I want a baby so.." She didn't take that well. The next three phone conversations revolved around me moving back to the home state and am I sure I want to start this with no friends around. Ouch. My group of friends that got to hear all about the baby blues for this last year are still out of the loop too. I'm afraid to tell them. Usually when I tell them something it doesn't pan out. So here I am...letting it all out. I am starting to get back on sites with stores, shoppes, and baby names. Although this is fun, it doesn't help the process.

So, I am officially announcing my self in TTCH... or Trying To Conceive Hell. Hopefully I can yell about it on here until its time for a baby. I know now is not the time. Now is so not the time. I have goals to reach, wait to lose and books to read. But waiting can still be a pain.