Waiting

Ok, so I am waiting to O. Yeah ovulate. I did the two week wait to get confirmation on a pregnancy but it was a negative. I basically had the prettiest chart ever. Totally helped that I was halfway through my cycle when I finally put the numbers in FF. The cross hairs popped up perfectly. I had that elusive dip before O and then quickly rising temps. There also happened to be some beginners luck on the BD timing. I had high hopes! I also think I had a fertilized egg that bounced its way down my uterus and found its way out. Why? Just a few things that have NEVER happened makes me believe that something different did happen. I went back and forth and back again. Poor hubbs.

So now I wait. I wait for that pretty dip to happen again. I'm sure it won't this time, now that I know what to look for. I thought I had done something wrong to regress in temperature but alas my body knew what to do. After temping, learning how to actual temp, and reading more about the female body I am a mess. All this knowledge is mind boggling.

I don't know how this cycle will go. To be able to tell Hubbs at Christmas would be great. But that would also mean I would have to keep it a secret for two weeks which is just not possiable. I barely can keep the idea a secret! Oh well here is hoping.

Temping

So for the month of October I started temping. I used a Basel Body thermometer to check my waking temps every morning. Falls and rises can tell me when I ovulate and need to get busy. I might have recorded my start day later then necessary, but I think it was good. Then it was a perfect ovulation then 18 days of high, higher, and highest temps. Also just happened to get busy right before ovulation so my hopes were up. Then with the temps so high my hopes rose and rose. I tested, negative on 14 DPO, and thought I would hold off testing again. I was a big ball of confused mess. Turns out I'm NOT pregnant the tail tell sign did show regardless of the elevated temps. But it did have me pretty curious. Lots of discussions with the Hubbs going with "I am pretty sure I am pregnant" to "nah, don't think so" and back about every half day. Poor guy!

Went out to get "Figuring out Your Fertility". Its been an interesting read so far and I am only 30 or so pages. I have managed to seriously gross out the Hubbs more then once! We'll see how this goes!

Step 2

Started temping about two weeks ago. Maybe three? regardless I figured out that "I think" I ovulate about day 24... but then again that totally depends on when some other things started. It was a crazy weird month for baby making and basically another failed attempt.

I really thought deciding to do this over 6 months ago would be me about to have a baby right now. I thought surely by now I would be sporting a huge baby bump, waddling and worrying about cloth diapers and sewing projects. But instead I am temping.

I am still worrying about baby sewing projects. But that's for fiends who have just had a baby and about to have one. Each child has its own personal issues that the families will have to work though. I'm just there to provide a blanket to snuggle up with!

Paths

I wrote about being lost on my other blog. I am not usually so deep or personal on that forum. Mainly because my grandma reads it and I don't feel like awnser questions to things I didnt' directly tell her. Curse of the internet? Sure. Something I want to bother with? No.

But I came here, for an update and a reminder to my self. One that doesn't have to be so catchy and thought out. A rambeling of sorts. I think one person reads this blog and honestly I have told her much worse things about my self then anything I would put out to be this public (even with only one reader!)

I keep going back and forth on the baby thing. I have fought so long to convince Hubbs that we need a baby and as soon as he agreed to it I started to waver in my decision. Various things have happened this summer. My Sister in law moved in at the beginning of the season and my Mother in law passed away at the end.  This has led to almost daily "should we or shouldn't we" thoughts lingering in my brain. What is enough money? Enough time? Who is really around to support us? Do I really want to do the SAHM thing? Can I really afford not to? With my less then stellar job right now it would be impossible to stay working and afford child care. It would literally cost me more to board my child then I would earn. Maybe even twice as much! I'm not sure if this speaks poorly about my job or child care cost, either way with this job SAH would be  must. But what if I got a better job? Then what? That also sounds stupid. Because I can't find a better job. I am under qualified for anything secretarial and too type specific in the degree I have now.

But this has become a full on rant for no good reason. So I'll just spell check and wrap this up.

Long time

So I checked my previous post to see when we "officially" started trying. It is like turning the page in your diary only modern and electronic.

I just new I would find a "I got the go ahead and I"m off BC" back in January because it been like 6 months right?! I have been trying for a whole half year? Wait... It was just March? So there has only really been one attempt and fail? This would only be the second notice coming up? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

I feel like we have been trying forever. I feel like we need to give up hope and go see a doctor. I feel like I need to start temping and get this down to a science. Then I realize we have actually only tried once. And when I say try I counted a few days did some math and flirted with my husband on said dates. So, perhaps my attempt at trying is pretty minimal its like saying I opened my book, had paper and pencil, but I'm not sure why my homework didnt' get finished. Lots of reasons and there the whole not knowing everything part.

Now I wait. According to my poor not really up to date charting I should know in about a week if this is poor attempt number 2. I'm at 100% sure there is not a baby growing all Sci-Fi in me right now... but I'll worry about that in a while.

Not Pregnant

So I'm not Pregnant. Why the obvious statement? This last month we did the whole "we aren't preventing" or the "we are not not trying" approach to building a family. I was very tired of condoms ( I think I am allergic) and pointed out that further practice would not be including this form of prevention so it was either no sex or not preventing. We both jumped on the no preventing. Who wants to go with out sex? Hubbs pointed out it would be a February baby. Awesome great! Whatever... Then my period showed up. I was convinced the first 8 hours or so that it could really actually totally be implantion spotting. But seeing how I had never actually heard about that until the last year or two and period was well known and came often it was a short lived 8 hours of hope.  But after that 8 hours... or really about hour 5 I had a huge crash and became pretty darn depressed at not being pregnant. Or at least as pretty depressed as you can be for not actually trying to accomplish anything. I can't even imagine how a women who charts, temps, etc and does everything "by the book" and still didnt' get pregnant can feel. I can only imagine that it is pure hell. I get the whole "failure" and "body not work" look out of the whole process. I didn't completely understand why a women could get so completely lost in the idea each and every single month until now. You get that hope for two or three weeks and then a week long reminder of how poorly things work out, then to just do it all over again and again. Yowzer!

Plans

Funny how when you make plans and they all get messed up, no matter how much since they made.

We are moving. Hubbs got transferred to the east central side of the state. We'll hopefully be there by the end of summer, you know if all goes as planned! HA

Why mention that here? Well I have been off birth control for a month now. We have done the protection thing since we weren't ready ready for a baby, but were were talking the end of summer. But we aren't enjoying the extras that this new protection brings into the picture. This spurred a conversation about really waiting till the end of summer. New job means more money, meaning better to take care of a baby and stay at home mom. So Why not give it a two week window, see how things go and get back on protection during the Vegas trip if there is no baby, or go alcohol free for the next 9 months plus. So, we officially gave it a go with out any protection. We'll see how things work out...