Waiting

Ok, so I am waiting to O. Yeah ovulate. I did the two week wait to get confirmation on a pregnancy but it was a negative. I basically had the prettiest chart ever. Totally helped that I was halfway through my cycle when I finally put the numbers in FF. The cross hairs popped up perfectly. I had that elusive dip before O and then quickly rising temps. There also happened to be some beginners luck on the BD timing. I had high hopes! I also think I had a fertilized egg that bounced its way down my uterus and found its way out. Why? Just a few things that have NEVER happened makes me believe that something different did happen. I went back and forth and back again. Poor hubbs.

So now I wait. I wait for that pretty dip to happen again. I'm sure it won't this time, now that I know what to look for. I thought I had done something wrong to regress in temperature but alas my body knew what to do. After temping, learning how to actual temp, and reading more about the female body I am a mess. All this knowledge is mind boggling.

I don't know how this cycle will go. To be able to tell Hubbs at Christmas would be great. But that would also mean I would have to keep it a secret for two weeks which is just not possiable. I barely can keep the idea a secret! Oh well here is hoping.

Temping

So for the month of October I started temping. I used a Basel Body thermometer to check my waking temps every morning. Falls and rises can tell me when I ovulate and need to get busy. I might have recorded my start day later then necessary, but I think it was good. Then it was a perfect ovulation then 18 days of high, higher, and highest temps. Also just happened to get busy right before ovulation so my hopes were up. Then with the temps so high my hopes rose and rose. I tested, negative on 14 DPO, and thought I would hold off testing again. I was a big ball of confused mess. Turns out I'm NOT pregnant the tail tell sign did show regardless of the elevated temps. But it did have me pretty curious. Lots of discussions with the Hubbs going with "I am pretty sure I am pregnant" to "nah, don't think so" and back about every half day. Poor guy!

Went out to get "Figuring out Your Fertility". Its been an interesting read so far and I am only 30 or so pages. I have managed to seriously gross out the Hubbs more then once! We'll see how this goes!

Step 2

Started temping about two weeks ago. Maybe three? regardless I figured out that "I think" I ovulate about day 24... but then again that totally depends on when some other things started. It was a crazy weird month for baby making and basically another failed attempt.

I really thought deciding to do this over 6 months ago would be me about to have a baby right now. I thought surely by now I would be sporting a huge baby bump, waddling and worrying about cloth diapers and sewing projects. But instead I am temping.

I am still worrying about baby sewing projects. But that's for fiends who have just had a baby and about to have one. Each child has its own personal issues that the families will have to work though. I'm just there to provide a blanket to snuggle up with!

Paths

I wrote about being lost on my other blog. I am not usually so deep or personal on that forum. Mainly because my grandma reads it and I don't feel like awnser questions to things I didnt' directly tell her. Curse of the internet? Sure. Something I want to bother with? No.

But I came here, for an update and a reminder to my self. One that doesn't have to be so catchy and thought out. A rambeling of sorts. I think one person reads this blog and honestly I have told her much worse things about my self then anything I would put out to be this public (even with only one reader!)

I keep going back and forth on the baby thing. I have fought so long to convince Hubbs that we need a baby and as soon as he agreed to it I started to waver in my decision. Various things have happened this summer. My Sister in law moved in at the beginning of the season and my Mother in law passed away at the end.  This has led to almost daily "should we or shouldn't we" thoughts lingering in my brain. What is enough money? Enough time? Who is really around to support us? Do I really want to do the SAHM thing? Can I really afford not to? With my less then stellar job right now it would be impossible to stay working and afford child care. It would literally cost me more to board my child then I would earn. Maybe even twice as much! I'm not sure if this speaks poorly about my job or child care cost, either way with this job SAH would be  must. But what if I got a better job? Then what? That also sounds stupid. Because I can't find a better job. I am under qualified for anything secretarial and too type specific in the degree I have now.

But this has become a full on rant for no good reason. So I'll just spell check and wrap this up.

Long time

So I checked my previous post to see when we "officially" started trying. It is like turning the page in your diary only modern and electronic.

I just new I would find a "I got the go ahead and I"m off BC" back in January because it been like 6 months right?! I have been trying for a whole half year? Wait... It was just March? So there has only really been one attempt and fail? This would only be the second notice coming up? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

I feel like we have been trying forever. I feel like we need to give up hope and go see a doctor. I feel like I need to start temping and get this down to a science. Then I realize we have actually only tried once. And when I say try I counted a few days did some math and flirted with my husband on said dates. So, perhaps my attempt at trying is pretty minimal its like saying I opened my book, had paper and pencil, but I'm not sure why my homework didnt' get finished. Lots of reasons and there the whole not knowing everything part.

Now I wait. According to my poor not really up to date charting I should know in about a week if this is poor attempt number 2. I'm at 100% sure there is not a baby growing all Sci-Fi in me right now... but I'll worry about that in a while.

Not Pregnant

So I'm not Pregnant. Why the obvious statement? This last month we did the whole "we aren't preventing" or the "we are not not trying" approach to building a family. I was very tired of condoms ( I think I am allergic) and pointed out that further practice would not be including this form of prevention so it was either no sex or not preventing. We both jumped on the no preventing. Who wants to go with out sex? Hubbs pointed out it would be a February baby. Awesome great! Whatever... Then my period showed up. I was convinced the first 8 hours or so that it could really actually totally be implantion spotting. But seeing how I had never actually heard about that until the last year or two and period was well known and came often it was a short lived 8 hours of hope.  But after that 8 hours... or really about hour 5 I had a huge crash and became pretty darn depressed at not being pregnant. Or at least as pretty depressed as you can be for not actually trying to accomplish anything. I can't even imagine how a women who charts, temps, etc and does everything "by the book" and still didnt' get pregnant can feel. I can only imagine that it is pure hell. I get the whole "failure" and "body not work" look out of the whole process. I didn't completely understand why a women could get so completely lost in the idea each and every single month until now. You get that hope for two or three weeks and then a week long reminder of how poorly things work out, then to just do it all over again and again. Yowzer!

Plans

Funny how when you make plans and they all get messed up, no matter how much since they made.

We are moving. Hubbs got transferred to the east central side of the state. We'll hopefully be there by the end of summer, you know if all goes as planned! HA

Why mention that here? Well I have been off birth control for a month now. We have done the protection thing since we weren't ready ready for a baby, but were were talking the end of summer. But we aren't enjoying the extras that this new protection brings into the picture. This spurred a conversation about really waiting till the end of summer. New job means more money, meaning better to take care of a baby and stay at home mom. So Why not give it a two week window, see how things go and get back on protection during the Vegas trip if there is no baby, or go alcohol free for the next 9 months plus. So, we officially gave it a go with out any protection. We'll see how things work out...

Sewing

I want to sew teeny tiny little dresses, shoes, and bows.

Yeah, I think that sums it up.

Taxes

Today we went and did our taxes. Among questions asked back and forth Hubbs asks "What could I do to make it where I pay less?" Hinting at savings information or something... and the women says "Have a kid."

I started rolling with laughter and might have slapped Hubb's leg more then once.

As we were leaving she said "Hope to see you pregnant next year". That sent me rolling again. Shes my favorite accountant!

The Beginning

So this past weekend Hubbs and I had some discussions. The digest version was...

Me: "I don't think I can wait any longer!!!"
Hubbs: "Huh? What? For dinner?"
Me: "I want a baby and I want one now!!!!!!!"
Hubbs: "Ok."

Yeah... so after a little discussion it was set. I WANT to be off birth control for 6 months... no if ands or buts about it. I also want to read some more books... but I could do those in a day or too if I needed. Hubbs wants to pay off the car and figures that will take 6 months too.

Me: "Well August is in six months."
Hubbs: "So you want to start trying in August?"

I work a shift or two a month at the pharmacy where I get my b.c. filled. Yesterday I asked them to show me how to take off auto fill. They used my name just liked I hoped they would... then they were like "so now we'll show you how to put it back on" and I just laughed and was like "nah... leave it off". It was like a huge public announcement that I am  in the baby making stage! Granted I broke the news to a lady I only half like... but whatever!

So... one more cycle on birth control (because I had bought it already) then 6 months off where I'll attempt charting and avoiding then GO TIME!

Games

I keep going back in forth.

Yes I want a baby

No I need to wait

How do you know? Is the fact that I am questioning it prove that I'm not ready? or that like all new expectant moves that I am nervous about a big decision?

How do you know?

The Go A Head

Last night Hubbs and I were talking. Babies got brought up. Long story short today it was "emotionally I am ready for a baby, financially, I would like to wait". So we decided this wouldn't be brought up again until summer. I doubt I can pull that off, but its a goal. We wont even consider it till then. In reality I don't think I'll be ready then either... but I think he knows that.

Heart Ache

Today  a little girl was lost at work. I on the other hand was just so darn happy to help a littler person out. I even asked her if I could pick her up and carry her. I would like to point out at this time she was 7 and about half my size. I should not have picked her up. But, I also could not NOT hold this crying little girl. What does this have to do with anything?

I need a baby in my arms. I desperately need (in this moment) a baby or any child under 5 (I think) to snuggle with, hug, read a book to... ANYTHING. I just some serious kid love right now. I would LOVE to give a baby a bottle right now. Like to the point that I would rent a kid just so I could snuggle, smell its J&J lotion head, and give it a bottle. Of course I would need to rock it to sleep afterwards too... part of giving a bottle.

These are the kind of things that make me want to jump on the baby wagon. These moments make me reconsider holding off on reproduction. I have to take a serious step back from the situation, remind my self why I am waiting, and how much better it will be when I am able to do it right.

But just letting you know future baby... if you do not want to be held or snuggled... I will swaddle you into loving submission...Because all I can think about right now is giving you a huge hug and never letting go!

Verbal Bombing

To last night husband and I were eating dinner and out of left field I totally laid down this doozy "I want to adopt and I want you to commit to me saying that we WILL do it some day" That verbal bombing was followed by a blank stare so I continued.

"I don't mean just someday" Boom!

"I'm talking like 100% sure" Bang!

"I mean we want a lot of kids, OK a few, and I need one of them to be adopted for sure" KAPOW!!

 I thank that leveled him down. So yes, I verbally bombed my husband last night. Luckily the man will recover. He has learned well over the last few years to survive my bombings. He also had just completed a negotiating class hours before. He new better then to ask "Where does this come from?!" We have talked adoption we have even talked fostering. Well, OK, honestly those are all verbal bombings too. But! We did talk about them. This was no left field discussion.

"I thought that adopting was plan B?" Ah, calm cool and collected. Just how I like my recovery process to start.
"I see it as more of plan A part 2... or part 1" OK... so that came from left field... BOOM!

Basically I made it clear that I need him to consider adopting before we start trying. I want us to know going into this that our family will grow by at least one adoption. Now, if our family only grows by adoption I am OK with that too. That we have discussed that we know will be our "plan B" if conceiving natural doesn't occur. I have a "fear" or "reassurance" that the reason I stumble on these adoption blogs and read these stories is because I am being prepared. I think this is the beginning of my journey. Instead of having 20/20 hindsight and being grateful that I had read these things I am making mental notes and realizing the gift I have in front of me.

So, my verbal bombing has stopped for now. I even apologized for the hostel attack later. He forgives me. He knows that I do this. Scare thing is how much I actually hold back. I'm not sure he could handle all that I consider dropping on him! But I did give him a time frame. 1 to 2 years. He has that long to consider adoption and make the right choice! He doesn't see it as plan A part anything yet. It is still a plan B but hopefully he feel the way I do when the time comes.

Weighting

The Tuesday before New Years I had off. I also decided that I WAS going to do wei.ght wat.chers! I was, I was going to do it. Not the new years resolution kind of weight loss... but the get your life in shape plan.

I started off at 161.4 according to the scare at WW. Now, my "normal body range" stops at 160. One pound over doesn't sound bad to me at all, however the last time I had weighed my self I was closer to 165+. So just being 161.4 was kind of nice, then I remember I have been at 110 at this height. OK, so 110 was a silly number to  be at, I was eating more ranch dressing and chocolate then anything else. I also wore a size zero and fainted a little, so 110 isn't my new goal, which is good WW thinks it doesn't need to be lower then 125. Hum... 125... honestly that still sounds a little low. I'm proud of my self for admitting that and not being ridiculous about this. So my goal is 135. I was happy with 130 and might still shoot for that but 140 seemed "too easy" so there we go.

This is all really based on the idea that when you are your "ideal weight" you can conceive easier, thus why I write about it here. I am trying to get to a healthy baby  making size! HA. Since we were still trying to figure out when to start trying I finally laid down he criteria:
1: Pay the car off
2: Reside the house
3: Meet my weight goal
4: Be OFF BC for 6 months

Goals 1-3 have to be met before goal 4 will even start. But those are it. So no monthly time line or age specific. I want to be healthy and not have huge money problems looming. BTW I lost 3.6 lbs in one week!