Work in Progress

I started this because I am tired of ranting and raving to friends of family.

I started dating my husband in the fall of 2006. In the fall of 2008 we got married. Sometime in those two years we decided that the age of 30 would be a good time to have a family. We decided that three kids were the minimum and we would go from there. We celebrated our first anniversary in 2009. I imagine my baby fever started around that time. I remember sending an e-mail out about once a month telling friends about the cute baby I saw or how I was going to convince Hubbs that we needed to speed up the process. My friends were and still are very supportive of this idea, but I've gotten the hint, they are tired about hearing my woe-is-me stories. Can you blame them!? Also at this time, which really didn't help, I had two friends tell me about their difficulty in getting pregnant. Now this only struck a cord of fear in me. What if it never happens? What if adoption is my only way of having children? Shouldn't I start working on that? I was confused and saught out alot of internet help. The internet may not have been the best place to reach out. If you want to find depressing or scary stores they are all over. I know I found my fair share.

Some time this last spring I had to sit the husband down and have a serious discussion. There was NO way I would be able to wait till 30 to start having kids. I mean... we talked about having three.. two or four years apart if things go exactly as planned (and when does that happen?!). So that put me pushing 40 when the last one was born. I could not handle that. I explained this calmly to the husband and then begged and pleaded to move up the "start date" to 28 years old. OK... 28 didn't seem so bad. He agreed! This was great... then I read some more Internet stories.

By the end of summer friends suggested that I boot the net and anything else baby related. Kick it cold turkey. I agreed this would be best. So for a few weeks there was no talk of baby, no baby sites, and nothing concerning little tiny outfits. Then husband made a comment some time last week

 "We need to start soon to have a baby by 28 right?"

I didn't squeal or jump up and down. I didn't want to scare him. "Um.. have one? Or start to try for one?" Was what I could calmly get out.

 "Um, what did I say? Wait, have one, wasn't that the plan? Have one by 28?"

OK, so at this point I jumped a little. "Seriously!? You want to HAVE one by 28?" Never had I pronounced "have" so clearly or said the words twenty-eight so many times.

"Well that was the plan right?" I didn't correct him.

The next morning I saw my friend slash boss at work. We had talked the night before about having our one year anniversary at work and how we don't hope to have a second. We like our jobs, they just aren't "forever jobs" and not where we want to see our selves forever. Well, I blurted out "I might not have to be here next year!" the second I saw her. OK, so I jumped the gun and she said very little. She told me later that day she was mad and happy for me. Mad because it wasn't her getting to start trying yet and happy that I get to.

Well that's all I have told. Hubbs has told more people then me... well OK 2. His best friend and his wife. Maybe I have told two, I'm sure the boss shared with her husband. But other then that I haven't told anyone. My parents are not getting to know for a while unless they directly ask. I blurted out about two months ago to my mom "well I want a baby so.." She didn't take that well. The next three phone conversations revolved around me moving back to the home state and am I sure I want to start this with no friends around. Ouch. My group of friends that got to hear all about the baby blues for this last year are still out of the loop too. I'm afraid to tell them. Usually when I tell them something it doesn't pan out. So here I am...letting it all out. I am starting to get back on sites with stores, shoppes, and baby names. Although this is fun, it doesn't help the process.

So, I am officially announcing my self in TTCH... or Trying To Conceive Hell. Hopefully I can yell about it on here until its time for a baby. I know now is not the time. Now is so not the time. I have goals to reach, wait to lose and books to read. But waiting can still be a pain.